I'll be...

*LISTENING TO:*
Song: I'll Be
Artist: Edwin McCain
Album: Misguided Roses
Quote: "...tell me that we belong together, dress it up with the trappings of love. I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips, instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above. I'll be your cryin' shoulder. I'll be love's suicide. I'll be better when I'm older. I'll be the greatest fan of your life."
* * *

Ah, an interesting weekend... one that was spiritually enlightening... yet not quite productive from an academic standpoint. And I'm fine with that. It was a welcome respite from acadamia and a time to ponder what God's been trying to tell me and just soak in His teachings told from a variety of people.

Friday, got back from class and rushed to pick up the Wong sisters on the way to heading to Ashley's house in Barrhaven for the Celebration Church Leadership Retreat. They were able to invite a pastor from out of town, Paul Johnson, to speak to us about leadership the whole retreat (and Sunday service). I found what he had to say quite insightful and I appreciated his openness in sharing his own life struggles and mistakes as well as his successes and accomplishments as a leader and as a pastor. For the most part, he reinforced my previously-known values about leadership but also challenged me to evaluate my role as leader and if I have the qualifications to be a good leader. In short, I believe I do have a calling to be a leader (as well as a worship leader) but I still need to work on improving my qualities to become a truly effective leader...which I don't feel I'm there yet. Anyway, apart from learning a bit, a joy of the retreat for me was to get to know the people at Celebration Church a little better and just hang out with them (and hopefully, for them to get to know me apart from the short asian dude that plays the guitar or piano on Sundays). We were able to get a couple of poker tables going well into the late evening which turned out to be pretty fun. I didn't stay overnight like most of them did though, just 'cause I didn't quite feel that comfortable yet (since I didn't know them THAT well yet) but sessions with Paul resumed the next morning after a brief slumber. Overall, it was a good retreat. My worship music time (which I was responsible for) could have been better...slight miscommunication... but I think that next time, I'll get it right. :) I'm still wondering if I fully fit in with that bunch... but it was a good first step.

Saturday, got back home in the afternoon and took a much-needed nap to recuperate from the previous evening's lack of sleep. Succeeded in doing some readings but also decided to take the time to keep the spiritual-knowledge input going so I went through a few parts of 7:22's Love & Marriage series, looking ahead since we're covering the whole series at H20 Fellowship over the next month or two. Again, the speaker reinforced many of my own personal values and thoughts that I've developped on the topic... and also stirred my brain to think of some new insights as well. It's a good series and one I hope will spark discussion at H20 Fellowship when we cover 'em.

Sunday, led worship with the worship team at Celebration once again... and I feel we're always improving and really starting to gel. Merlin, an occasional worship team member and new Celebration friend, gave his testimony and what he had to say got me thinking of where God wants me to be once I graduate. I won't be graduating as early as I hoped... which kinda sucks... but I know God has a plan and maybe he means for me to stick around a little longer... I was inspired by Merlin's conviction in God's calling and how he's turning down 6-figure income jobs to come to Ottawa and serve at Celebration. I really respect his diligence and his courage for doing that... especially in a world where it seems that money is everything. I wonder where God is calling me?... perhaps I should be still and listen... we learned at the retreat that God has annointed us with dreams... I've had the dream of leading worship in front of hundreds/thousands of my generation for a while now... which doesn't seem all that realistic to me... or is it?... *sigh*... I dunno... in the mundane world of school, it's hard to dream big I guess... I still feel at a standstill in life, like I haven't been moving much, doing much, or accomplishing much these past few years... is there more for me than just finding a job in Marketing?... can I even find a job once I graduate... when will I actually graduate?... or am I actually called into ministry?... what does God have planned for me?... what is He calling me to do?...

"Come and listen...come to the water's edge, all who are thirsty come..." -DCB

*caution: pointless rambling and babbling ahead...for which I apologize*

And finally, to piggy-back on that... comes that all-too-familiar personal struggle of finding that "special someone". Dunno why I'm writing about it, but it's been on my mind and on my heart heavily the past few weeks for some reason... culminating in watching the 7:22 Love & Marriage series... and I guess I just had to get it off my chest. Again, I don't know what God has planned for me, although I know it'll be something great. Being 23 and single, I've noticed that I've been getting jabs from adults and parents on that issue as of late... which, frankly, I get a little annoyed at. I dunno... I just don't want to "hook up" with anyone or shed that single status just for the heck of it... I have a very distinct idea on the type of person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with and I feel that it's just a waste of time to beat around the bush and "play around". But that's just me. Yes, my first failed relationship has left scars... but I've grown and learned from them... and I know where we went wrong and why it didn't work out in the end. At the time, I couldn't realize that... but now I know why God tore us apart and why at such a tender young age, we were just not ready for a committed lasting relationship. I guess I'm so apprehensive and cautious about starting a new relationship with someone because I don't want to fall into the same pitfalls. I know now, for certain, that my next relationship has to be a God-centered and God-driven relationship... Yes, I've had a longing to truly love someone...not just "fall in love"... but only recently have I realized/learned that my reasons and ways for loving someone need to be fine-tuned and separated from what the world tells us "love" is. A lot of what was covered in that 7:22 series is so true and I definitely take it to heart. Despite all this "knowledge" that I've acquired though, love remains elusive and reality definitely does not match the "perfect coincidences" that tv shows or movies elude to. Bad luck doesn't help either... heheh. Why, does it seem, that whenever I find someone I feel I can connect with, that I have that weird feeling in my gut that there's something special about this person and that she may be the one I can pour my heart into... that person is unavailable or taken? *sigh*... Just today, I was pondering that I might as well just give up on a hopeless what-was-I-thinking-duh-she'd-never-feel-the-same-way situation... and yet a quick daydream sometimes brings that hope back... *sigh*... Coincidences aren't coincidences are they? Certain connections are just stronger somehow right? I really dunno...

"...I wish you'd look at me that way, your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine, telling me more than any words could say, but you don't even know I'm alive. Baby, to you, all I am is the invisible man..."

Despite all this pointless rambling and babbling, despite occasional faltering moments of doubt and worry, I am confident. I am confident God will provide in His time, when He knows I'm ready, prepared, and equipped. What I've learned is that my focus shouldn't be on what I want for myself or what I feel is best for myself right now... but what God wants from me. I know that there are areas that I still need to work on, to improve (bible knowledge, for one), habits to die, and skills to develop... in order to be prepared to become the head of a household according to His word. God knows me better than I even know myself... I may think I'm ready but God knows better... and until I find that special someone, I'll keep trusting in Him. Sometimes I wonder if that someone is even in this city?... in this country?... or is it someone I pass by every week without even knowing it... I dunno... but I do wonder if that someone is thinking of me the same way... Hoping, longing, patiently waiting...

"If I could only read your mind, tell me the answer I would find, do you dream of me?" -MWS

***
Hillsong United:
"Till I See You"

The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And till I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And till I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are a voice that called the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And till I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am my soul will bless Your name
***