Giving it up and letting go...

*LISTENING TO:*
Song: Surrender
Artist: Lincoln Brewster
Album: All To You (Live)
Quote: "...and I surrender all to You, all to You..."
* * *

Well... I can't say losing hope isn't a sad feeling... but despite hope lost, I am still not walking away empty-handed, which allows me to keep my head up and look back and smile. When I was so afraid I would lose everything, God showed mercy and blessed me with more than I could have hoped for given the circumstances... a strong friendship. I have not thrown out my hopes and dreams, but I've relinquished them to God and taken them out of my hands... which is always harder than it sounds. And so, now begins the process of letting go... not gonna be easy, but I know that in the end, even though I can't see the finish line, God will steer me to where He wants me to be and who He wants me to be with. I still believe that for years, God has placed in my mind and in my heart an outline of the person I'm waiting for... and that outline has only become clearer with time... the only thing that scares me right now and, I guess, disappoints me, is that the outline is filled with nothing but empty space now, instead of an image slowly fading into view. Ah well, back to square one and empty horizons, I guess. I've learned a lot from this experience... and I've also learned that I should really not allow things like this to consume my life, but live my life for the Lord and everything else will fall into place... This thing has been hitting me hard for the past month or two and I guess, hasn't really put me in the best of moods... guess I'm one of those people that have a hard time hiding my emotions. Heheh. But I know that being so self-absorbed doesn't please God and that I was dwelling on something that was not even within my control. This verse is resonating deeply within me right now:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4

Finishing up school this week... one final exam this Thursday and I will be done my degree in B. Comm w/ Marketing honours. Hope I do well, heheh. Then begins the focus on missions trip preparations. Prepping for the missions trip to Shanxi has been interesting so far... heheh. We've tried to get our travel visas but that didn't quit work out... stupid passport photos cost a fortune... and the Chinese embassy looks like it cost a fortune cookie to build! :P Heheh. We've also gotten together to brainstorm games and activites for the kids, which was fun. I'll be teaching grade 7 & 8 kids with Bonnie while Karen and Carol will be taking on the grade 5 kids. I am still apprehensive about the language barrier because I really want to connect with the kids and horse around with 'em and such... but we'll see how it goes I guess. Still lots of prep to do with the curriculum and the program... but after my exam, I'm hoping to really focus on getting that together and maybe start learning Mandarin a bit. Yeeeech, I have a long ways to go!! But I'm definitely looking forward to it and excited about the potential for this missions trip. It'll be a totally new experience for me, and a totally new environment to live in. After I get back, it'll be a full-on dash to search for a full-time job... I still don't know where I'll be working but I sure hope I can get a decent job. My parents are saying I should get a government job in Ottawa... I'm hoping more for something more challenging, like a marketing job with a corporate brand name... something like Telus or Motorola perhaps, but I guess every new grad has to start somewhere. In H2O Fellowship, we're studying a book called Life Wide Open and in its opening chapters, looks at finding passions related to the spiritual life but also finding passions in the "secular" part of life. I just hope I can find a career path that I can be passionate about. Definitely looking for God's guidance on this matter... and praying hard about it.

On a side note, I think starting with David (the kid from Celebration that got baptised recently) and now with the Shanxi missions trip, I think God may be sparking in me a growing passion to perhaps expand my ministry options from just worship leading to some youth ministry. I was talking to Paul Racine today of perhaps looking into doing a little coaching for a youth basketball team. Paul was saying how much joy he gains from coaching many football teams and just the opportunities that arise from interacting with non-christian kids. I was thinking that perhaps I could help encourage kids in some way, using basketball as a common "language" that the kids can understand and identify with. I dunno, just a thought, but one I'd seriously consider if God is calling me into that field of ministry.

Alrighty, gotta study and make sure I don't bomb this final exam... :P Oh, I'll be glad when school's done and over with. Heheh.