...in the middle of the night...

*NOW PLAYING:*
Song: "Meant to Live"
Artist: Switchfoot
Album: The Beautiful Letdown
Writer: Jonathan Foreman
Quote: "...we were meant to live for so much more...have we lost ourselves?..."
* * *

What is God's will for my life? What is God's will for His life? What is God's will?

While studying and trying to understand this huge amount of material about business and management, I often wonder if this is God's purpose for my life. When looking back, I'm usually happiest and having the most fun when helping out or leading worship... jamming... making music... alongside fellow christians... That's where I carve a niche for myself and I guess some say I'm good at it... I'm passionate about it and spend a lot of time in thought about it... do background research to understand it better... Then I look at school and notice how much I am NOT good at it... how much I struggle... and how there is always the feeling of impending doom after taking an exam... no matter how hard I study or no matter how ready I felt going in...

The other day, I had to turn down Lyle Johnson yet again on an offer to lead worship with him and his team at the Metropolitan Bible Church. Lyle is a local worship leader and is heavily involved in ministry... I've met with him several times within and outside the church... he's a fabulous guy and a great mentor in the worship-leading department. It's been a privilege learning from him and conversing with him. This must be about the 4th time (over the course of several months) that he's asked me to be a part of his worship team to lead at the Met and I've had to turn him down each time.... why?... because of school. I've also been asked to be a pianist at the Worship&Prayer worship services at Bethel... but have had to turn them down as well due to school. Often times, I've had to step away from worship leading at OCASF due to the business of school... also due to the parentals not happy with me spending the time away from my studies. I know that this is the time for me to concentrate on my studies... I know that any form of worship leading function requires a lot of time committment in practises and preparation... But it's still so hard to say "no" to something I know I'd enjoy that much... It's so much more enjoyable and rewarding to study God's word rather than study Financial Accounting...

I know that God has shown me these doors and has given me these opportunities to expand myself as a worship leader... but is God tapping on my shoulder to show me my calling as a worship leader?... or is he closing those doors to saying that this is not the time, that this is not the direction I should take right now in my life, in His story... ? Am I holding myself back from taking the step forward and taking the risk?... or am I looking too far ahead into His story with wishful thinking and trying to write my own story?...

Graduating from this degree seems so far away... sometimes it even seems unattainable... but when it's all said and done, what will I be doing with my life? Will there be that sense of joy? Will I be good at it? Where is God leading me?... am I even following Him?...